Boomers tackle life’s next stage with characteristic zeal.
To my mind, grandparents represent a double bonus: Grandkids are lucky to have grandparents, and grandparents are lucky to have grandkids.
As luck wouldn’t have it, I did not know my grandparents. Three died before I was born, and my only recollection of the one who did not was a phone call that prompted my mother to start sobbing one morning when I was very young. A few days later, sobs gave way to laughter when our house filled up with aunts, uncles, and cousins.
My own two sons started out a bit short in the grandparent lottery. Both of their grandfathers died before they were born, and my mother was frail and lived far away. My mother-in-law, upon learning that her oldest daughter was pregnant, made it clear that she had no plans to become a babysitter. (My wife and I didn’t take her announcement personally: My mother-in-law gave birth to seven kids in 10 years, and viewed the corresponding hospital stays as “vacations.” We understood that she just didn’t feel ready for a babysitter-type role and deserved a real vacation.)
The part that grandparents play in their families varies according to geography, individual temperament, cultural traditions, and economics, among other factors. But baby boomers, who make up about 60 percent of the 70 million grandparents in the United States, seem to be tackling the role more purposefully.
Barbara Graham calls it “conscious” grandparenting. “Baby boomers were the first generation to approach parenting in a conscious way,” she says. “Now we are trying to be conscious grandparents.”
She should know. A self-described “child of the ʼ60s,” Graham has a son and two granddaughters, and writes a column for Grandparents.com. She also is the editor of Eye of My Heart, a collection of essays in which 27 writers detail the pleasures and perils of being a grandmother.
Graham offers seven guidelines for grandparents, including “Accept your role,” “Let go of all expectations,” and “Abide by the rules of the new parents.” At the top of her list is a clear warning: “Seal your lips.” She adapted that advice from writer Anne Roiphe, whose essay in Eye of My Heart is titled “Grandmothers Should Be Seen and Not Heard.” Roiphe writes: “Not speaking your mind is the number one commandment for would-be beloved grandparents. Silence on certain issues is not just golden; it’s essential.”
“Obviously, if it’s a situation where you think your grandkids are being neglected, then you step in,” Graham says. Otherwise, “it’s important to respect how your kids are going about raising their kids and to take your cues from them. When you become a grandparent, you are not in the starting lineup; you are on the bench.”
She concedes that for boomers, this can be complicated: “We are the therapy generation; consciousness and mindfulness are the big words. We talk about more stuff, we share more music, and we generally are more active than our parents. It can be hard to get it through your head that you are no longer in charge, that your children get to make the rules. Learning to keep your mouth shut is part of being a conscious grandparent.”
According to a 2012 study commissioned by AARP, 6 in 10 grandparents believe they play a “very important” role in their grandkids’ lives. The same proportion say they speak to their grandchildren every week, and 1 in 4 communicates with them electronically – by email or video chat, for example. And in a survey by the American Grandparents Association, 3 in 4 respondents said that being a grandparent is “the single most important and satisfying thing” in their lives.
“Being a grandparent is a balancing act,” Graham notes. “It’s a continuation of the process of letting go, which is the defining point in parenthood.”
For several years, Graham and her husband lived a few blocks away from their two granddaughters, now five and eight years old. Last year, their son and his wife relocated their family to Italy, 6,000 miles away. Recently returned from a two-week visit, she says the distance is altering the pattern of their relationship, but not the quality of it.
“Parenthood and grandparenthood are an ongoing learning experience,” Graham says. “The role changes over time as needs change – our needs as well as theirs. One thing that’s critical is communication – talking with your adult children.”
Graham suggests that grandparents try to remember what it was like to want to succeed as parents. Criticism adds to the stress that is already there, she says. “Early on, you learn that even when you say something in a neutral way, it can be interpreted as judgmental.”
For documentary filmmaker Tom Weinberg, taking care of his three-month-old granddaughter is “a flashback to 35 years ago. Except there’s a little different pressure: Make a mistake with my own, and that’s just the way it goes. But mess up with my daughter’s girl, and the wrath of a whole generation will be visited on me.”
“Every generation does things differently, in terms of raising kids,” Graham says. An example: “These days, young mothers are more likely to go online than call their mothers for advice.”
The determination to be effective parents has not diminished as baby boomers have aged and generation-Xers have become mothers and fathers. For labor lawyer Mike Murphy, 42, an important part of being a good parent is making sure that his nine-year-old daughter has a relationship with her grandparents.
Murphy cherishes the role that his mother’s father played in his life when he was a child. Almost every Saturday, his grandfather, a Greek immigrant, would pick him up for an overnighter. “We would play soccer for hours,” he says. “This man would patiently kick the ball back and forth with me, never raising his voice, never yelling. There was never any sense that he was doing it out of a feeling of obligation. He instilled in me a love for this game that few kids were playing then.”
With his parents getting on in years, Murphy and his wife, Angela, recently decided to move back to Chicago from Baltimore with their daughter, Alex, who happens to be a skilled soccer player. “We wanted her to have that relationship with her grandparents, especially with my mother,” he says. “They bake and do projects together and watch TV. They have this strong bond. That relationship enriches everyone’s life.”
As for my two sons, both in their early 20s, their relationship with their grandmother seems to have turned out just fine. There have been plenty of visits for holidays, birthdays, graduations, and other special occasions, plus a regular exchange of birthday cards, and the occasional phone call or email.
And she has never once been asked to babysit. — Paul Engleman